How to: Play Tennis.
Tennis is famous sport involving whacked balls. Today, I will give you an insight on the art of whacking balls.
Firstly, you have a racquet. It is very important that you spell it as racquet, for racket and racquette have no intellectual value. Asking for rackets or racquettes in a tennis shop will only result in question marks and no comprehension.
Secondly, you need a few balls. It is a known fact that the gender with more balls earns almost twice as much money as the adverse. Take advantage of this given fact and riches will come quicker.
Thirdly, you need a court with lots of rectangled lines on it, making it look like some kinda Tetris box of sorts. In the middle, there has to be a net. For badminton, the net is usually very high, causing distress and racquet-throwing throughout its sport. But, for tennis, one's high blood pressure is alleviated when the net is specifically very low.
Lastly, you need a friend. Personally, a wall is your best friend to play tennis with, but some bastards probably made it a sport in its own right and called it squash.
On the court, You stand on one side while your amateur ass friend goes to the other. Before you guys decide on playing, warm up. Warming up is not to keep you safe from sprain, but keep you fired up. You must have the mentality of "I'm going to fucking shoot this guy's head off" before you play. Make sure you accomplish that goal by giving yourself unusual and painful punishment, such as 'If I lose, I will watch High School Musical trilogy with excited sister and brother."
Now, decide who to serve the ball first. Amateur assholes will say that they are not good at serving but better than you and your mother in tennis as a whole, without serving. Instead of telling them that serving is the most integral part of tennis, laugh and talk about cheesecake.
Get ready to serve. When one plays tennis, one must vision it as conversational piece as a stranger who wants to harass your opponent's sister. You start the talk with a serve and when the person replies, you must insist that you will meet up with his or her sister.
"No, I won't let you see my sister!"
"I just want to EAT HER BRAINS OUT!"
"No, that is disgusting!"
"I just want to SEE HER ALL DRESSED UP!"
See, your opponent is now giving weak answers. You are on the winning side, but note that your harassee's sibling can just walk away at any time. You do not want this to happen. You want to be the overbearing one, the stronger one.
"I WILL SEE YOUR SISTER NOW!"
This is when you win the conversational piece with your harassee's sibling. Note that shouting this while playing will land you in loss of friend.
And so that is how you play tennis. Tune in next time, where I teach you how to play hockey.
